BREAKING: We’re All Big Liars When It Comes To What We Do In the Bedroom

sex lies

I don’t know if you guys know this, but I’ve been told that apparently chicks aren’t necessarily straight up when it comes to the number of dudes that they’ve slept with. I know, crazy right? Not like we’re exactly in the clear either, fellas. Women lie, men lie. Not like we didn’t already know that, but now there’s a way to prove it. Indiana University’s National Survey Of Sexual Health and Behavior proves you’re buddy might be blowing smoke up your ass about that chick he supposedly left the bar with on Saturday night.

sex chart

A couple things about the chart:

1. Ladies, you dirty little SLUTS! Numbers don’t lie, and it looks like you’re out there putting out more than us dudes- At least until you hit 30, then you get married and the closest thing you have to sex is fantasizing about your little wild streak you had on spring break when you were 21. Good news for us single folk, bad news if it’s been a couple weeks since you’ve gotten down with that chick you met at the bar you’ve been supposedly seeing. Apparently she’s out there getting broke off, and if you’re not the one laying the pipe, she’s catching a body from someone not named you.

2. I appreciate the thoroughness of IU’s study. Gotta mind your P’s and Q’s, but the fact that you’d even have to ask what percentage of males have masturbated in the past year is absolutely absurd. Rhetorical question, bro. The answer is 100%. No, the answer is infinity because every male that has been born or will ever be born beats his meat. I can understand if you’re one of those 14 or 15 year olds and you don’t answer the study truthfully because you’re scared your mom will find or something. That’s legit, but if you’re a 26 year old dude and you claim you aren’t one of the 84% that’s cracked stick in the past year you’re a boldfaced liar and you know it. What’s even crazier is that 84% of guys in the 25-29 age range say they’ve masturbated but 86% percent say they’ve gotten laid in the past year. We’re not in 7th grade anymore, man. Quit acting like you’re one of those tough guy Don Juan types that doesn’t have to rub one out because you’re getting laid sooooo much. You’re full of shit, dude. Everyone jacks it. It’s part of life. Hell, I’ve jacked twice since I started writing this blog.

3. Shout out to the 1% of the 70+ female crowd that’s still doing butt stuff. You know what they say, you’re only as young as you feel.

About Q-Ball

Owner, operator AKA The Commish. Q-Ball is that asshole at the office who refuses to brew a fresh pot of coffee. Not because he doesn't want to, he's just too embarrassed to admit that he doesn't know how.
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