Via- NY Times
Remember when you were a kid and your Mom told you that if you work really hard and you want it bad enough that when you grow up you can be whatever you want to be? Well I guess it turns out you don’t need some fancy-schmancy Harvard Law degree or millions of campaign dollars to make a run at the Oval office. America is the land of opportunity. Anyone with a little elbow grease and a can do attitude is capable of making some noise if they believe in themselves. Just ask these folks. Everyone knows the Hillary’s and the Rick Perry’s and the Chris Christie’s of the world, so let’s take a second to meet some of the 2016 presidential candidates you might not know- Yet.
President Princess Khadijah M. Jacob-Fambro.
San Francisco, CA.
A few years ago, I might have voted for Lil Wayne/Princess Khadijah M. Jacob-Fambro as running mates, but Tune has been way too flaky as of late. Fake 911 calls, beefing with Young Money, I just can’t give my vote to a guy who’s willing to turn his back on the team at the drop of a hat. Sorry, Princess Khadijah M. Jacob-Fambro. Not gonna happen next year. Enjoy your new marriage though. I’m sure you two will de-throne Jay and Bey as America’s rap power couple. I’m really pulling for you guys.
HRM Caesar Saint Augustine de Buonaparte Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island.
Absolute Dictator Party:
Serious question: Should I donate to this guy’s campaign fund? Turtle Island sounds like it could be a pretty chill place and it’s been a while since I’ve taken a vacation. I wouldn’t mind knocking back a few Pacifico longnecks on the beaches of Turtle Island, wherever the hell that is. If I threw a few bones HRM Caesar Saint Augustine de Buonaparte Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island’s way he’d probably fly me out to Turtle Island all expenses paid, right? If there’s anything I know about politics, it’s that the big wigs who donate to all the political campaigns get to rub elbows with our country’s most powerful politicians. You know, I scratch your back you scratch mine? How do you think Chris Christie ends up in Jerry Jones’ suite every Sunday?
John Green Ferguson.
National Eco/Green Party & The Revolutionary ‘Third Party’ Movement:
Check out Ferguson’s ‘Go Green’ campaign platform here.
I think I owe John Green Ferguson the courtesy of coming right out and saying that there’s no way he’s going to get my vote. Nothing personal, I just don’t think me and ol’ John boy would see eye to eye on a whole lot of things. John is all about going green and I haven’t recycled anything since Bush was still in office. John wants folks to shrink their carbon footprint and mine is about as big as one of those huge plastar molds of Sasquatch’s foot. Were just gonna have to agree to disagree, for God and country.
Los Angeles, CA.
We the People 2016 Presidential Campaign:
WHOA! Move over, Sarah Palin. There’s a new smoke in town. While I’m sure Brit has some very interesting and compelling thoughts on what impact Russia’s annexation of Crimea has played on the geopolitical climate of the Baltic region, if there’s anything the presidency has taught us, it’s that even a mildly attractive 24 year old intern can find her way into the Oval Office if she plays her cards right. I’m as serious as a heart attack when I say Brit can go far if she really knows how to handle herself, and by handle herself I mean go off the top turnbuckle on to some fat, rich, politician’s doorknob. Go get ’em, girl.