St. Louis Cardinals Under Investigation By the FBI For Hacking Into the Houston Astros Team Database

cards hack

So this is definitely what the Cardinals meant when they were talking about “playing the game the right way,” and “the classiest organization in baseball,” right? Taking a page out of Russia’s playbook and hacking into opponent’s databases to steal information? Now I know how AFC East fans felt during Spygate and Deflategate and how Luke Skywalker felt at the end of Star Wars, just watching the evil empire fall to it’s knees. The good news is those classy St. Louis fans look like they’re taking it all in stride and seem to be handling the situation really well:

No? guess not.

Details are still sketchy at this point, and in all likelihood probably will continue to be seeing as this is a federal investigation, but the feds are handling this as a case of corporate espionage. Not good for the Cardinals brass. From a timing standpoint, the Cards couldn’t have picked a worse time to get caught. Cyber attacks in America are no joke right now, just ask Sony and North Korea.

Someone’s head is gonna roll, and by someone I mean some poor low level tech nerd fresh out of college. I’d imagine an organization as accomplished and savvy as the St. Louis Cardinals is probably very familiar with the term “hush money,” so I’d be surprised to see the hacking scandal rise as far as the GM and ownership levels, but you never know these days. Either way, let’s bring out the electric chair, the guillotine, and the rack. Let’s draw and quarter these bastards. I’ve got my torch and my pitchfork and I’m ready to march on St. Louis. Anyone that get’s in the way is getting burned at the stake. Fuck the Cardinals, those thieving scoundrels.

PS- Depending on how far back the Cardinal hacks go, it’ll be interesting to see if Walt Jocketty is implicated in the investigation at all. Probably pretty unlikely seeing as this appears to be an isolated incident as of now, but I’d imagine the FBI is pretty thorough with their investigations so I’m sure Jocketty will at least be consulted to see whether or not anything like this happened in his tenure with the Cardinals. Last thing we need is the Feds snooping around GABP come All-Star time.

About Q-Ball

Owner, operator AKA The Commish. Q-Ball is that asshole at the office who refuses to brew a fresh pot of coffee. Not because he doesn't want to, he's just too embarrassed to admit that he doesn't know how.
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