For being a guy that claims to be on top of what’s going on around the Internet and around the world, I’m downright ashamed of myself for not catching on to the Johnny Cueto Instagram train earlier than I did. I’m a bloodhound when it comes to sniffing out pointless studies and weirdo Asian tidbits, but apparently the most dominant Cincinnati athlete of my generation’s IG game is one buried treasure I just wasn’t able to dig up.
On that note, since Johnny Cueto is the man of the hour and #VoteCueto’ing ’til your fingertips bleed was the thing to do today, let’s take a look at some of Johnny’s finest and funniest moments on IG. Johnny may not be headed back to the ASgraaG (insert joke about Cardinals hacking the voting system here), but everyone knows who the real ace is- On the field and on the Gram.
Serious question, are you even allowed to be a Latin pitcher if you don’t take bed selfies?
I was really stressing out about finding a new suit to rock to my cousin’s wedding next week until now. God I hope he bought that.
If you don’t have a custom, monogrammed, white, bath robe, what are you even doing with your life?
Whiteface. Paula Dean would be proud.
Of course me and Johnny are #TeamFedora
Johnny lobbying hard for a Geico commercial deal in his retirement years. Get some cold cuts, get some cold cuts.
One of these guys is the best pitcher in baseball, one of these guys is not.
*Immediately Google’s men’s capri pants for sale*
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA! (That’s “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA” in Spanish for all you Philistines out there).
Aaaannnnddd there goes your chick. I’m not saying I had a similar picture on Myspace back in the day, but I’m also not not saying that either.
Peace haters. Cueto out.
PS- My favorite Johnny Cueto bit ever: Back in college we used to hit Newport Brother’s every Thursday night for dollar well drinks. Johnny Cueto was always there as well and he used to use this chick I’m friendly with who is fluent in Spanish to translate for him so he could troll around the bar looking for 19 year old trim. Classic.