Fantasy football is back in full swing and like most of you, I’m sure you have a league wide group chat going for the sole purpose of brokering low-ball trades and questioning your opponent’s sexuality. The other day my league’s group chat was on the subject of kickers (yea, shit gets that in depth sometimes) which naturally led to the topic of the best occupation on the planet. Kicker gets a ton of play for obvious reasons a la collecting an NFL paycheck without having to worry about any of the grueling physical work or the looming threat of ALS in your 40’s. After that, the QCBL crew kicked around quite a few other interesting choices for best job in the world. Here’s what happened:
Strong start with that bullpen catcher answer. No doubt bullpen catcher is a sweet gig, minus the whole having zero cartilage in your knees and only making $40,000 a year for the rest of your life without enjoying all the perks that the guys on the big club do.
I tossed out Anthony Bourdain, something I feel VERY strongly about. I’m not even really sure what he does is even what you’d consider a “job?” I guess it is when you’re collecting a hefty paycheck, but wining and dining in the public eye everywhere from Bangkok to Timbuktu is something I’m filling out an application for as we speak.
Zimmern’s out. I’m no stranger to a cultured pallete and trying different cuisines, but the second I have to eat a live octopus or a cow nut in a third world country I’m gone.
Party Down South cast member is a sneaky play here. The only issue I have is the pay. I think those guys actually have to work in the offseason? Meaning they’re not making nearly enough on PDS to sustain a lifestyle which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the argument. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go set the DVR to record PDS, NOW! fantastic trainwreck television. Think a hillbilly version of Jersey Shore.
I think BD just really wants to break into the sex industry. I wonder if he knows the rumors about having to get into gay porn before you can start banging the likes of Mia Khalifa? Whatever, different strokes for different folks.
Kanye is certainly worth considering, but that whole Presidential campaign in 2020 is going to be juuusssttt a bit stressful to say the least.
Also we’re getting real weird with Peter North WiFi thing. I kind of like it though. I’ll tell you what, that’s a whole hell of a lot better than those kids who think their funny naming their WiFi network “FBI_Surveillance_Van.” Be original just one time in your life.
You just knew Bilzerian was gonna get tossed out there. Now I would absolutely take all of Bilzerian’s money and fame and guns and babes, but I definitely agree that he’s trying to hide something. Maybe not the gay thing, not that there’s anything wrong with being gay anyway, but I feel like Bilzerian is for sure one of those guys that tries to be all like, “look at me! Look at me! Look at how awesome my life is! Before he goes and blows down a billion Xanax pills because deep down he can’t stand himself, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the argument, no? What’s the point of having a baller ass profession if you’re constantly contemplating jumping headlong off the back of your own yacht?
So what do you think? You want to travel the world with me wining and dining in exotic locales? You want boot field goals in a pro city for 12 years only to get run out of town eventually? Want to dip your toe in the adult film industry? Drop a line or holler at me on Twitter @QuineTime or @TheBeerLeague_ . Got any other ideas on how you want to live out the dream? Let me see what you got. I want to know those too.
PS- The answer to this question is 10000000% Anthony Bourdain. I’m sticking to my guns on this one. The guy gets paid quite a hefty salary* to travel the world and eat and drink the finest cuisines and probably fuck foreign babes. I’m pretty sure that last part is true, too. When I was a sophomore in college I took a creative writing class and naturally there were a ton of weirdo hippy type chicks in there as well. One day Teach got on the subject of Bourdain. I didn’t think too much of it, just an older dude with a pimp profession that I’d very much like to have, but literally every single chick in that class was leaking. Puddles everywhere. I guess Bourdain really does get in like that.
*Define “hefty salary”