Week 1 Bengals Recap: I Just Witnessed a Murder


Can you believe that there were people out there who actually thought this game was gonna be a nail biter? HA, IDIOTS! Everything started out as fun and games, but at a certain point I was extremely uncomfortable watching that massacre. I was legitimately concerned that I might become a key character witness in a murder trial. That’s how bad of a beat down we just put on the Raiders. Everything was firing on all cylinders. That defense? Physical as fuck. I’m still not sure the Raiders receiving corps is entirely accounted for. Bodies were flying everywhere

Penalties aside, that’s how you set the tone of a football game. Hit the other guys right in the teeth and toss them around the ring all game long. Poor Matt McGloin didn’t stand a chance


Not like that game was ever in doubt to begin with, but Pacman Jones knocking Derek Carr out of the game with that hand injury completely changed the tide of that football contest.

Offensively, the Bengals looked sharper than an ice pick in a prison fight as has been true from thus far this season(minus that second preseason game vs. Tampa, of course). Good Andy showed up to play and did literally everything that was asked of him. All that’s necessary in a blowout like that is to move the chains, take care of the football, and convert in the red zone. Check, check, and check. Speaking of converting in the red zone, how about that Tyler Eifert, huh? You didn’t exactly have to be a clairvoyant to see that Eifert was in store for a breakout season, but it’s still nice to see the guy put all that talent together after two and half years of injury and disappointment. Eifert was a man amongst boys out there. One might even go as far as to say he looked very Gronk-esque.

The real MVP, however, was the Bengals entire offensive line. The main reason I was a bit concerned of a possible upset going into Oakland was the Raiders skilled pass rush, which was rendered more or less nonexistant thanks to Big Whit and the bunch. If the front seven can keep that kind of consistency up all season long this is going to be a tough, tough team to beat.

Jeremy Hill came to play (and dance)

I think the kids call that one ‘The Dab?’

Tough to tell, but I think that face says “I should have stayed home and went shopping with my girl” behind all that makeup.

Next up, San Diego. Always a tough out because Phillip Rivers is in fact elite and any given Sunday he’s capable of going off for about a million yards and like ten touchdowns, but I would like to think that the memory of that home playoff loss to the Chargers two seasons ago is still fresh in this Bengals team’s mind (it is in mine). Couple that with the fact that it’s the home opener and San Diego is notorious for slow starts, and you have to feel pretty good about a chances for a W next week.

Gonna drink a thousand beers, get a third degree sunburn, and watch a Bengals victory. See you next Sunday.

Go Bengals.



As always, stellar vine work by @Josh_Kirkendall

About Q-Ball

Owner, operator Queencitybeerleague.com. AKA The Commish. Q-Ball is that asshole at the office who refuses to brew a fresh pot of coffee. Not because he doesn't want to, he's just too embarrassed to admit that he doesn't know how.
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