Every week this season we run a computer vs. computer simulation of the Bengals’ upcoming game in the Playstation 4 version of Madden NFL 16, which has a pretty good track record of predicting winners. Starting at noon on Wednesdays, we livestream the games at Cincinnati.com and give a rundown on the score and stats.
Despite an impressive start to the real season, the digital Bengals have fallen to 0-3 and faced their worst defeat of the season with a 21-0 loss to the Ravens.
While neither team really got their passing attack going, the Ravens’ running game rushed through the Bengals defense early and often. Justin Forsett and Lorenzo Taliaferro teamed up for a combined 150 rushing yards, while the Bengals could only muster up 4 yards.
Not sure when ESPN started doing these Madden simulations. I think it was a couple years ago now in one of their attempts to seem cool and down with the kids, but either way these things have caught on everywhere now. Full disclosure I have no idea how these things work. Could be some nerd’s algorithm, could be a simulcast of two 8 year old kids duking it out on the virtual gridiron, but all I know is that whoever is on the sticks needs to be strangled with a controller cord. In what world does the top ranked offense on the planet go toe to toe with an 0-2 football team and come away with a donut? Not Earth, that’s where. Look I know Andy Dalton has had his struggles against Baltimore. I know waltzing into M&T Bank on opening weekend and stealing a W is a tall task, but I haven’t been this confident about a Ravens game since Nam. Ngata’s gone, Suggs is out, Harbaugh is in full blown excuse mode, and the Bengals are firing on all cylinders. Maybe we’re just playing mind games. Maybe the whole point of these asinine, preposterous simulations is try and trick the Ravens into thinking they actually have a fighting chance in their current fragile state of mind. Build up a false sense of confidence, have Harbaugh and the gang thinking Dalton is gonna throw like 4 picks, then BAM! Hit the detonator on our mental landmine and send Raven beaks and brains flying all over the football field. Flacco is buns, Forsett hasn’t done a God damn thing (just ask my fantasy team) and their defense is softer than down throw pillow. You know what? I’m glad that stupid machine picked us to shit the bed. Look at what it’s predicted so far. 0-2? Psshhh, please. 2-0. Zero points? Probably just means we’re gonna score like a billion points and set an NFL record for scoring or something.
Oh, and PS- I didn’t really blog yesterday because in my world #NoDaysOff loosely translates to #SomeDaysOff which sometimes means #NoDaysOffButSomeDaysIOnlyGiveLike25Percent. Yesterday was one of those days and I feel like a total asshole now because I never got a chance to wish the Head Football Coach Marvin Lewis a happy birthday. So everyone stop what you’re doing right this instant and join me in wishing Marvin a wonderful and happy belated birthday. 57 years young, doesn’t look a day over 40…
HA! Just kidding. Marv is looking pretty weathered these days. That’s not a knock on him either because if you really think about it the only job that will gray the temples and put bags under your eyes more than POTUS is Cincinnati Bengals head football coach.