Ok, Lindsay. I WILL!
Couple rules first, though:
– I’m gonna assume that all these clashes are strictly mano e mano. No weapons or foreign objects allowed. Otherwise I’m sure Belichick would find a way to game the system and beat everyone with a cruise missile or something.
– No tag teams allowed. Again, this is strictly two grown men locked in a cage in a battle royale. As cool as that would be to see Andy Ried’s fat ass come out of nowhere and go off the top rope onto someone’s neck, theoretically a tag team system means that those angry hoards out in Oakland and San Fran could back up their boys with shanks and bricks and two by fours and whatever else they find out in the parking lot. That’s not gonna fly.
Not sure there’s a bigger mismatch in this entire tournament than Rex Ryan and Joe Philbin. Rex is the larger than life personality who I can guarantee you has seen his fair share of bare knuckle brawls and Joe Philbin is the surly old man who looks like posterchild for an extra strength Prozac prescription. Rex wins on energy alone. Bowles and Belichick isn’t exactly a nailbiter either, as I’m guessing this tussle probably goes the way of the Jets/Pats rivalry in real life.
I think Gus Bradley’s persona is supposed to be that tough, gritty, grind it out coach, but I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t fighting an uphill battle, like, Mt. Everest uphill battle after seeing Bill O’Brien on ‘Hard Knocks.’ O’Brien moves on
In good faith I can’t give Chuck Pagano a victory over Ken Wiz. I mean, I like Pagano. He’s a great story and seems like a legit good guy, but I can’t put my money on a guy who’s crying in the locker room after a week 3 victory over the Titans.
Tom Coughlin advance solely on that nasty, no bullshit attitude and pure, unadulterated old man strength. Perhaps the worst brawl of the entire tourney however goes to Chip Kelly and Jason Garrett. I mean, as long as Chip isn’t too busy studying game film or trying to reinvent the art of hand to hand combat to show up for the fight I guess Kelly wins? If there’s anything I’m sure of in this world it’s that even I could manhandle Jason Garrett.
Much like the actual division, no matter where you look there’s just blah matchups everywhere. Lovie gets the edge in round one solely because he’s been through a bunch of shit everywhere he goes. A long stint with the Bears and now babysitting Jaemis in Tampa? Lovie’s got to have some thick skin. As for Payton and Quinn, I guess I gotta go with my uncle Dan Quinn. Payton is too much of a pretentious dick for a streetfight like this. He’s probably the guy who runs his mouth in the bar but runs away with his tail between his legs the second anyone tries to take it outside.
Mike Tomlin is the very definition of “angry black man strength” personified and as much as this kills me to say, our favorite head football coach Marvin Lewis gets absolutely DESTROYED by Tomlin here in the first round (not that different from real life actually). As far as the Harbaugh vs. Pettine matchup goes, John wins in another landslide squarely on the shoulders of that Harbaugh blood he’s got flowing through his veins.
Del Rio and Reid is certainly an interesting matchup, but I think I’m going with Reid because I know somewhere deep down underneath that enormous red windbreaker there’s still shades of that giant 13 year old kid that probably terrorized schoolyard sissies everywhere.
Kubiak and McCoy is a tossup as well, but I guess the edge goes to McCoy simply because he’s the only one that isn’t going to have a heart attack and die mid-spar.
Not to get all Ted Moseby on you, Linds, but it’s actually Zimmer, not Zimmerman. Get it right. And yes, he’d absolutely split Jim Caldwell in two. Fox and McCarthy? I gotta go Mike McCarthy on this one. Maybe it’s the trucker comparison I made in “The Player Haters Ball” segment a couple weeks ago, or maybe it’s the whole up north thing, but Mike McCarthy reminds me a little bit of Sam Hess from Fargo for all my TV junkies out there. Hess was no stranger to bullying folks around and I don’t think Mike is either. Mike moves on.
Pete Carroll. Great football coach, not a great fighter. Strikes me as too much of a pretty boy to get real down and dirty. Fisher moves on. As far as Arians and Tomsula goes, I think Jim Tomsula is the obvious choice here. Honestly he strikes me as a guy who may or may not still wrestle a little bit in his free time.
Ryan vs. Belichick
My heart says Rex, but my head says Bill. Belichick sort of seems to find a way to win in just about everything he does and I don’t see these Hunger Games being any different. I don’t how he does it, but somehow Bill gets the job done.
O’Brien vs. Wisenhunt
O’Brien righted the ship at post Sandusky Penn State, which I’m assuming takes some serious heart and commitment, enough heart and commitment to get past Wisenhunt. O’Brien wins.
Coughlin vs. Kelly
I liken this matchup to Mr. Miyagi vs Sensei Kreese in The Karate Kid. Coughlin is Miyagi, with the old school, tried and true methods of fighting, while Chip Kelly is Kreese with the trendy new approach to the game and the hotshot attitude. We all know how this one plays out. Mr. Miyagi and Daniel Son sweep the leg.
Smith vs. Dan Quinn
Fuck, can we just get these NFC South matchups over with already? Quinn I guess.
Tomlin vs. Harbaugh
There’s actually a chance we could see this play out on the field tonight for real, but either way I think you gotta give the edge to Harbaugh. Harbaugh is a psychopath and I’ll never bet against a psychopath in a back alley brawl.
McCoy vs. Reid
McCoy is too much a beanpole to take down Andy Reid. Those weak ass punches would just roll off Reid’s big belly like a God damn meatball on top of spaghetti. Reid by a mile.
Zim vs. McCarthy
While most people would probably be pretty quick to put their money on the Packers head honcho, my dollar is actually on Zimmer. Attitude is everything, and that motherfucker is MEAN. Mean in a good way, though. Zimmer wins close.
Fisher vs. Tomsula
No gas, I’d actually pay good money to see these two square up. I like Jeff Fisher, but I just can’t count out Jim Tomsula. He’s still way too much of a wildcard at this point and if there’s anything I’ve learned from my experiences in a fight (two of ‘em) it’s that you never count out the wild card.
Belichick vs. O’Brien
You can make an argument that Bill O’Brien is the darling coach of the NFL right now and he’s certainly had a Cinderella run in this tourney, but the clock has struck midnight and the carriage has turned back into a pumpkin for ol’ Billy boy. Billy O’Brien, that is.
Coughlin vs. Quinn
Just like the old Super Bowl runs, Coughlin’s experience and knack for winning when it counts are what’s putting him in the Final Four.
Harbaugh vs. Reid
For the most part, John Harbaugh seems to keep his cool more that the rest of the Harbaugh clan, but every now and then we see the full blown Harbaugh in him come out, and at this point in the tourney, we’re waaayyyyy past that point. Poor Andy doesn’t even stand a chance.
Zimmer vs. Tomsula
Jim Tomsula and the Niner’s are 0-3, and again, if there’s anything I’ve learned from a fight, it’s that you never step in the ring against the guy who doesn’t have anything to lose. At this point, that man is Jim Tomsula. Jimmy is going for broke.
Belichick vs. Coughlin
Remember when I said I’d pay money to see Fisher and Tomsula scrap? Well I’d pay double to see Bill Belichick take out two Super Bowl’s worth of frustration on Tom Coughlin’s face. That would actually be incredible to see. If there’s any way we can make this happen like a Go Fund Me page or a petition to sign or something let me know and I’ll do whatever it takes to make this happen.
Harbaugh vs. Tomsula
Jim Tomsula has had a good run so far, but at this point, blood is in the water. Harbaugh and Ravens are 0-3 and the fire of ten thousand suns are burning deep within the recesses of John Harbaugh’s brain. Rumor has it that when a Harbaugh is strangling you to death you can look into his eyes and stare into his soul. I like Jim, seems like a swell guy, but RIP Jim Tomsula.
The Final Fight To the Death
Bill Belichick vs. John Harbaugh
I think I’ve said on here before that there’s no way you grow up under the same roof as Jim and Jack Harbaugh and not have a tough of homicidal lunatic to you. I know it sounds like I’m riding John Harbaugh’s dick, but I’m not. I hate Harbaugh and I hate hate HATE the Ravens, but if there’s anything on Earth that I’m sure of it’s that someone or someones in that Harbaugh family definitely has a body count or two. That’s not a clan you just up and fuck with.
Winner Of the 2015 NFL Head Coach Hunger Games
PS- I might fuck around and fill out a second bracket, because this guy’s logic has me reconsidering everything…
Technically he’s not wrong.
Big ups to Lindsay Jones for the stellar work. Putting together brackets like this can be quite the bitch sometimes.