I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, nothing beats being a single, white, American male. There’s a ton of shit I can get away with that a lot of people can’t, but laying dead on the pavement outside 1 Paul Brown Stadium isn’t one of those things. That’s something only an attractive (I think?) chick can finesse.* Like if that were me, I’d have woken up on a concrete slab inside the justice center trying to quell my hangover by drinking toilet water and eating cold McMuffins the guards slipped me through my cell. Trials and tribulations of the upper middle class white boy.
*Of course I’m operating under the assumption that this poor broad didn’t get arrested? I just assumed that like everyone else the police and stadium security were too busy watching those boys in stripes scalp the Chiefs. Everything is sunshine and rainbows when you’re winning football games.