Look, everyone that knows me knows I’m a movie guy. Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a food guy also. Theoretically, movies plus food should equal money in the bank right? Not this time. Sort of like two rights don’t make a left, or something like that. You see when you decide to get up off the couch and go to a movie there are a number of things you have to consider. How crowded is the theater going to be? Do I want to spend the extra coin to watch the directors cut in one of those big leather chairs? Is my date expecting me to blow like $30 on movie popcorn that’s way too buttery and two large Icee’s? All things you don’t have to worry about when you watch movies at home and can take away from the overall cinematic experience. So I get the idea behind wanting to live like a king and being waited on hand and foot while you kick back and take in a show, but even the creme de la creme of cinematic experiences is going to present it’s fair share of problems. For starters, how am I supposed to focus on the silver screen while there are waiters and waitresses buzzing about the theater? I can’t even focus when the movie attendant pokes their head in halfway through the show to make sure no one is smoking pot or getting blown in the middle of the theater, or when dad has to take his two kids to the bathroom eight times because they can’t sit still for two hours. Not to mention I have to sit there and listen to other people eat and chew their food while I’m supposed to be concentrating on the movie. Talk about one of the more impossible things to do. Listening to other people eat is far and away the most irritating, infuriating, nauseating, and downright unenjoyable sounds known to man. Like I used to have to listen to my old boss chew with his mouth open and he used to do this thing where he would furiously scrape the inside of a yogurt container with a metal spoon and I don’t think I’ve ever come as close to wanting to take another man’s life as much as I did hearing that. Throw those things on top of your usual theater distractions like people putting their dirty shoes on the back of your seat or the black people that won’t stop texting or yelling for the entire length of the movie and that might just be enough to drive me insane. Not like James Holmes insane, but I’d probably just bitch and moan for like an hour and let that ruin my entire night.
Word to all you studios out there, you really want to bring fans the best viewing experience possible and make a ton of money in the process? Of course you do. Just invent an app that allows you to request new releases delivered directly to your door complete with a large pepperoni pie and one or two of those aforementioned Icee’s. Nothing beats watching a good movie you haven’t seen before with a ton of unhealthy food in the comfort of your own home. You don’t have to thank me for that billion dollar idea, I’d just appreciate a piece of the pie when it’s all said and done. Pun intended.