First and foremost, I don’t want to get into all the Cam Newton drama for two reasons. 1.) I’m still not entirely sure this letter isn’t a hoax or an epic troll job, and 2.) I love Cam Newton. He’s a ton of fun to watch play, he’s my fantasy QB and I’m all about those points, and he’s entertaining as shit. Not sure what people don’t understand about that because sports are a form of entertainment and if you don’t want to see guys dancing in the endzone then just go to the opera or something. I just want to pose a simple question. Can you imagine if there was this kind of hullabaloo and outrage back when guys like Ochocinco were playing? Back when Chad was river dancing and pulling out signs and proposing to cheerleaders? Back when Joe Horn whipped out the cell phone and TO was tossing popcorn? Someone would have probably died. Like someone would have had a brain aneurysm or their head might have legitimately exploded or something. Those days aren’t that far gone either. That was like 10 years ago, which I guess is a long time but it’s really not that long ago. Not long enough for everyone to have done a complete 180 on endzone celebrations. That shit was awesome. It was an event. Chad’s celebrations were honestly some of the fondest memories I had watching football. Every single week fans were looking forward to what he had planned next and every single week Chad didn’t disappoint. Have we really forgotten about that? Am I in the minority? I just know ten more years from now that 9 year old is gonna grow up and find herself pussy popping and twerking all over some college bar and I hope someone remembers this and decides to write her mom a nasty letter in return. Maybe something to this effect:
Dear Mrs. Wet Blanket,
Congratulations on sending your daughter off to school. College is an exciting time in a young woman’s life and can be filled with many exciting and life changing experiences. However your daughter’s behavior on Friday and Saturday night’s is beginning to become a cause for concern. I refuse to believe she’s a role model amongst her friends and sorority sisters. The past several weekends I’ve spent countless hours in bars all over campus alongside your daughter, consuming copious amounts of shots and grinding on the dance floor. In fact, last week she was twerking on me for so long that the dark blue coloring from her jeans stained the front of my khakis and ruined them. My pelvic region was also incredibly sore. On the walk home I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My friends were asking things like, “are you gonna bang her?” and “I guess her parents just weren’t around as a kid?”
I don’t know much about your family life, Mrs. Wet Blanket, but I think I’m safe in saying that your daughter is approached by many college aged males every week. Unfortunately, the behavior she displays comes off as slutty and might attract the wrong sort of attention from young men all over campus. I hope the overprotective nature of your parenting style isn’t what is causing her to act this way.
The Kid Who’s Probably Going To Be Banging Your Daughter This Weekend