As some of you may or may not know, I spent this past weekend getting wild and wacky in the Smokey Mountains, which means a lot of hours logged driving to and fro in the car, which naturally means a lot of off the beaten path conversation. One of such topics of conversation was the best poor people chain steakhouses in America. To clarify, when I say poor people steakhouses, I’m talking chains that you can get in and out of for like less than $20. So places like Capital Grille or my Twitter friend Jeff Ruby’s joints are off the table. I’m talking places that are cheap enough that you can go in and order the filet with all the trimmings when you’re at the end of a pay period and not even bat an eye. Like dirt cheap.
I’m not embarrassed to admit nor am I joking when I say that I actually enjoy Texas Roadhouse. Notorious B.I.G’s main bitch from ‘The Ten Crack Commandments’ must work there, cause those guys can really hook a steak up. For a while I thought Texas Roadhouse was the place where you could cuss at the waitresses and throw peanut shells all over the place (which I’m pretty sure is just an urban legend at this point) but between said peanuts and the decent steaks and the redneck atmosphere, I’m in on TR. Easily tops my list of top poor people steakhouses in town. Also there baked potatoes are probably the sneaky best on this list by a wide margin.
Outback could also make a serious case for the top spot seeing as they’re kind of a pioneer in the poor people steakhouse game. Outback is the OG of poor people steakhouses and was king dick on ball mountain about fifteen years ago before they went all reverse Mondo Burger and started serving smaller, fattier steaks. Now that their steaks aren’t as good and more competition has rolled into town they’ve sort of been knocked off their pedestal a bit, but Outback is still nothing to scoff at. Their table bread is fire flame as well as their ribs and they got a couple other good dishes to choose from also, but I’m of the school of thought that if you go to a steak joint and order anything other than a steak your an asshole. Also I hung out with a couple waitresses from Outback back in college and they were sexy as fuck. Not trying to feather my own balls or anything but if we’re doing purely objective rankings we gotta examine all the evidence at hand.
I’m not really sure why, but I feel like Longhorn doesn’t get nearly the shine that Outback or TR gets but they’re every bit as good. I’ve only eaten at Longhorn like twice in my entire life and from what I can recall both times I was far from disappointed. In fact, there’s a Longhorn right down the street from my apartment so I might have to remedy that. Could be the next installment of those death match food challenges I was doing back during baseball season. Stay tuned.
OK, I’m not sure Chili’s is technically considered a steakhouse, but Chili’s is sort of the Holy Grail of all travel restaurants. Specifically in airports. Airport Chili’s just taste better than regular Chili’s. Kind of like how McDonald’s Blue Powerade tastes better than regular Blue Powerade. Not sure why that is, but I feel like it’s pretty widely accepted. Airport Chili’s and McDonald’s Blue Powerade are far superior to their counterparts and that’s just a scientific fact.
Logan’s Steakhouse isn’t as widely known as it’s aforementioned counterparts. In fact, I think the only time I’ve actually ever eaten in a Logan’s was in like Lima, Ohio or something when I was on the way back from a college visit to Ohio Northern. That pretty much illustrates the point I’m trying to make about Logan’s. If you’re eating at Logan’s, you’re in the middle of NOWHERE. In that case, you can do a hell of a lot worse than Logan’s like a gas station Subway or some mom and pop steakhouse where the meat you’re eating may or may not be human meat.
I know in America in 2015 if you make suicidal threats on the Internet technically that’s considered attempted murder if someone actually decides to try and off themselves, but if you eat at Ponderosa you should actually kill yourself. There’s zero reason you should ever swing through and eat those dry, leathery, buffet steaks. I don’t even care anymore. If you eat at Ponderosa and decide to kill yourself and they lock me up on attempted murder or whatever then so be it. At least those prison Salisbury steaks I’ll be eating are far superior to anything on Ponderosa’s menu.