People that talk about their fantasy football team on the Internet/social media are the worst people in the entire world, but since I’m still in Holiday mode and I already had this piece fully cooked and ready to roll, here we are. In fact I think I wrote this like a year or two ago and sent it to one of the sites in the Celeb Shots section and it never got published (their loss, assholes) so I figured why not throw it up here on the site. There’s no time quite like the present. So if you’re in the same boat as I am, which is several hundred dollars in the black thanks to a successful weekend of dominance on the digital gridiron, here are a few ideas on how you can spend that fantasy football championship money.
I often yearn for the day when anywhere from $200-$500 dollars won’t seem like a lot of money to me. Ideally I’ll be on a beach somewhere, accompanied by a lady more than several years my junior, sipping on $15 dollar cocktails all day/night until I pass out on top of said female companion. But right now, that’s all a fable. A distant figure of my imagination. To tell you the truth, the holiday season actually hit me pretty damn hard and anywhere from $200-$500 dollars actually is a lot of money to me. Coincidentally, that dollar amount is generally what most pots are in your buddy’s standard fantasy league. So if you come out on top, it might behoove you to invest that money responsibly, like a real adult, ya know? Invest it, Pay off that speeding ticket you got last month and get that arrest warrant lifted, or pay your rent and stop playing the adult version of hide and seek with your shitty apartment complex’s landlord.
Obviously we’re not talking the South of France here, but your fantasy plunder ought be more than enough to spark an alcohol infused weekend at your old stomping grounds or major city of your choice. Not to mention New Year’s Eve is this week and your girlfriend is gonna need a few cute Instagram photos and a killer Snapchat story. Hotel rooms, all you can eat buffet’s, open bars, and $8 bottle of champagne toasts at midnight certainly don’t pay for themselves.
3. Elaborate, Self Indulging Celebration
Personally, I’m leaning towards this option. One of the best things in fantasy football is the constant shit talking that takes place between competitors week in and week out. Nothing is more satisfying than hurling derogatory banter at your friend, whom you just humiliated in a semi-public forum in front of 9-11 other guys who are all trying to do the same thing. How can you one up them? Simple, throw a huge bash in commeration of you asserting dominance in the fantsy realm. The key here is to invite everyone in your league. Throw down on a couple of kegs or even reserve a table at your favorite late night social club. Whatever tickles your fancy, just make sure there is plenty of alcohol and women, and make sure to let your compadres know that they will never be able to duplicate your success, on the digital gridiron or off.
4. League Trophy
Classic, respectable option, generally reserved for more of the long term investor, but if you are part of a league that is in it for the long haul, then this may be the option for you. While you will see no immediate material or financial returns, the ego boost and euphoric nostalgia brought on by knowing you were the first will be well worth it’s weight in gold. It’s like if you were the young lad that was lucky enough to score with everyone’s high school crush before she gave out more rides than an 80’s era greyhound bus. Knowing you were the first is a satisfaction that only few will know, and even fewer will cherish.
5. Go Big or Go Home
This option is reserved for the ballsiest of fantasy champions, but if you have a penchant for high stakes gambling and a dangerously high BAC, then this option is definitely for you. Basically, this involves taking the entirety of your winnings and placing it all on one bet at your local neighborhood casino. It’s pretty simple really, here’s what you do, first, get dressed to the nines in your sharpest looking suit, or even a tuxedo if you have one. This part is critical because you can’t drunkenly meander into the casino ready to blow several large faced bills looking like you just crawled out of the dumpster out back. No, you better look like Danny fucking Ocean walking into sin city or else everyone will think you’re just a degenerate gambler, which, well… fuck them.
Well then, now that we’re all on the same page, it’s time to let me know what you think. Folks that try to tell other people how to spend their own hard earned money are literally the bane of my existence, but since I broke you off with some knowledge it’s only fair that you get a chance to weigh in yourselves.