Busy day at work for your boy today, which means I didn’t get to spend the usual 6+ hours surfing the Internet. I did however hear that Chipotle is closing their doors on February 8 for a mandatory ‘food safety meeting’ which I’m assuming is just code for “we gotta figure the fuck out what’s making people shit out their small intestines.” So in the spirit of the moment and in defense of not just Chipotle, but burrito joints everywhere I’m going to give you my definitive ranking of the best burrito joints out there. I’m sure just about every blog and website on the Internet has released some variation of this list today but I don’t care. Things have officially reached DEFCON 1 in the burrito world. Everyone knows I’m a burrito guy plus I’m never wrong so consider this list flawless and superior to anything else you’ve read today.
9 – Qdoba
Qdoba is trash and far and away the worst establishment out of the whole bunch. Actually, not really. I have no real beef with Qdoba seeing as I’ve throroughly enjoyed everythig I’ve ever ordered from Qdoba, I just never really go there and I’d much rather have a burrito or chips and salsa from a number of other joints before I get down to Qdoba so by default they’re trash. I know that doesn’t really make any sense but when you think about it, it kinda does.
8 – Big Mamma’s
Big Mamma’s burritos are mediocre at best, but then again I don’t think I’ve ever had one sober so I’m not really in a position to call it one way or another. There’s no such thing as a bad burrito when you’re drunk. Big Mamma’s is a fine late night eating establishment and they’re open ’til like 3 or 4 in the morning after the bars close on Court Street in Athens, Ohio. Also I met a former flame there one night so Big Mamma’s is awarded points for those encounters as well.
7 – Lime
Now we’re starting to get into the heavy hitters. There really isn’t a lot that separates the 1-7 spots, so Lime has nothing to be ashamed of checking in at the 7 spot. Think of it like a batting order. The 7 hole isn’t necessarily a bad hitter, more so a guy who could probably go be a star in his own right somewhere else but would rather bat 7 in a stacked lineup and win a World Series. As for the product, Lime could probably use a little more variety in their menu, but their salsa bar is as strong as you’ll find anywhere.
6 – Burrito Buggy
Unless you’ve ever spent an extended amount of time at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio, you probably have never heard of the Burrito Buggy. And when I say buggy, I mean buggy in the literal sense of the word. Just a little tow away stand at the bottom of Court Street that serves some monster burritos that are not unsimilar to what my Mom used to make for us growing up. Anything that resembles home cooking on a college campus when you’re diet generally consists of fast food and dining hall options will always receive high marks in my book.
5 – Currito
I’m not really sure when Currito decided to step on the scene in the burrito world, but Currito puts together some of the sneakier better burritos you can buy. Currito has a pretty wide open menu and I think they’re a lot healthier than a lot of the other places out there without sacraficing anything in the taste department. The only real knock on Currito is that there just aren’t a whole lot out there. One on UC’s campus and one on Xavier’s campus and that’s it to my knowledge.
4 – Hot Head
I got into Hot Head after I graduated college and moved to Mt. Lookout and honestly that’s one of the better decisions I’ve made since I left school. Hot Head is just a solid all around establishment. Solid marks for menu options, taste, sauces and salsas, and accessibility. They had a Hawiaan Burro they offered this summer and I’m not sure if it’s still available or if that was just a seasonal thing, but that Hawiaan joint was one of the better burritos I’ve had in a while.
Also their logo looks like a fire emoji and a smiley face had a baby. Kinda cool.
3 – Moe’s Southwest Grill
I’ll go as far as to say that Moe’s serves the best product of any of the major burrito chains out there. They burritos, tacos, crunchwraps, and a slew of other options and every single thing I’ve ever tried is good as fuck. Moe’s is another place that falls victim to the accessibility portion of the rankings. I’m not really what you’d consider a foodie and I hate waiting or going out of my way for food. Not that I don’t enjoy good eats, I just don’t have a whole lot of time to devote to the process and there really isn’t a Moe’s anywhere close to where work or lay my head at night. If Moe’s were to remedy the situation, they would very easily slide into the top two.
2 – Chipotle
HA! You thought you were going to click on this article only to see a thorough bashing of Chipotle, but you thought wrong, Bubba. I’m still ride or die with Chipotle. I’ll admit, I’m not one of those Chipotle blowhards that still thinks they’re far superior to anything else out there, but Chipotle is still my go to when I’m jonesing for a good burro. There’s one literally two minutes from my work and my apartment and while they’re not the best they’re still good enough to see my business again and again and again. And again. Chipotle has built themselves up to a point that no amount E coli or negative press will keep me from walking back through those doors. Not the best quality, not always the most popular in the public eye, but I’m still all in. Basically the Nike of burrito companies.
1 – Habanero’s
Habanero’s on Ludlow just off the campus of the University of Cincinnati has the best burritos in the city and in my opinion it’s not even really close. If you’ve never had a Habanero’s burrito, I suggest you remedy that real quick. Fresh ingredients, big menu, everything is more or less homemade, just the cream of the crop really. Their whole schtick is “Corporate Burritos Suck” and while I don’t necessarily echo that notion, I’ll still take Habanero’s over anything else on this list which is more than enough to solidify their no. 1 overall ranking.
PS- If Chipotle really wants to get back in good graces they’ll just give away free burritos the day they open back up. They’re already gonna take a big hit financially a way so you may as well hand out some free grub like they used to do on Halloween and all those poor saps like you and I will come RUNNING back. You’re welcome, Chipotle. All other marketing inquiries can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org. Look forward to hearing from you.