I got news for you, #WHITEDEATH is coming whether you like it or not. Sometime in the next 24-48 hours, a snowstorm greater in magnitude than anything mankind has ever seen before is going to hit parts of the Midwest and Eastern Seaboard, effectively killing everything in its path. Take a look
Just kidding, that’s a actually a screenshot from the movie The Day After Tomorrow, but meteorologists around here would have you believe the real storm will be a lot like that. Either way, it looks like most of this weekend will be spent holed up inside on the couch, so here are a few things you can prepare right now to make the most of your snowed in weekend. This isn’t anything you’ll see on any of those stupid Pintrest or Tumblr ‘Snow Day’ pages, rather some real life, practical advice to help you survive #WHITEDEATH 2016.
Adult Beverages Of Your Choosing
When you were a kid, hot cocoa after a long day out in the snow really hit the spot. I don’t have anything against hot cocoa now, but you know what’s even better? Hot cocoa with a little bit of Kahlua in it. Treat this snow weekend the same way you treated snow days in college- With copious amounts of alcohol. If you’re still in college, well then you’ve hit the jackpot, my friend. Stock up on beer, wine, spirits, or whatever else you can get your hands on. Grab a Dirty Thirty or a couple boxes of Franzia. No need to splurge and buy 6 bottles of Kendall Jackson. Remember, the key here is survival. When Bear Grylls gets lost in the woods, he isn’t keeping himself alive with tins of beluga caviar. The boxed stuff will work just fine. Personally, I’d go beer and wine. Beer for the college basketball and the conference championships during the day, wine for the Netflix and chill at night.
Cold Cuts, Ramen Noodles, Spaghettios, Peanut Butter
This one seems simple but a lot of people tend to go overboard here so let me elaborate. Obviously you’re gonna need to stock up on food to survive #WHITEDEATH, but a lot of folks will want to buy a lot of ingredients to cook big, extravagant meals. The logic being that since you’re cooped up inside with a ton of time on your hands, you can spend that time preparing and serving a hearty meal. While that logic isn’t necessarily wrong, let’s not kid each other here. The last thing you’re going to want to do is get up off the couch and make yourself real food. Save all that for next week when you’re actually trying to eat healthy. Instead, go with stuff you can prepare in less than two minutes tops. The less energy your body exerts, the greater your odds of survival. Think like one of those giant Galapagos turtles. Those things hardly move at all and they live to be like 300 years old. Remember that.
Netflix, Hulu, Apple TV, Amazon Prime, etc.
Streaming services are something you should have on deck regardless of atmospheric conditions, but given the current weather forecast, the need for premium digital entertainment is at an all-time high. If you’re one of those weirdos who still hasn’t embraced these wonderful modern technologies, it’s not too late to subscribe, ask your friends for their HBO GO passwords, or even try to hack an ex-flame’s account using an old email address (just hope the account hasn’t been cancelled or transferred to another address). Personally, I’m gonna rack up like $30 of DirecTV Cinema charges and not say anything about it until the bill come sin next month. It’s gonna be sweet.
I’m no simpleton. I fully understand that most people have their go to porn sites that they visit regularly and rarely deviate from the norm. Some folks are PornHub guys, some folks are RedTube or XHampster guys, I get it. It’s good to branch out and try something new every now and again, and what better time than a weekend cooped up in your room all by yourself with nothing to do? Now you might be sitting there thinking, “Well Q, I’m not going to pay $100 a year for premium porn and even if I did my Mom still pays my credit card bill. I don’t want her to look at the statement and see a recurring charge for http://www.bangbros.com!” And to that I say, that’s a completely valid concern. However, I’ll also tell you that there are certain websites, Reddit threads, and even Twitter accounts solely dedicated to the provision and distribution of passwords to such sites that are just a few quick Google searches away. Might take you a few tries, but they’re out there and they work. Trust me.
The Booty Call
If you’re tired of going the digital route and you still got a few rounds left in the chamber, you might be tempted to … If you’re in a real relationship then that’s great, as long as you can stand being in the same room as your old lady for an extended period of time. If you’re not in a committed relationship (and I’m specifically looking at you college kids out there) then this is one of those come to Jesus moments where you have to be reeeeaaallll honest with yourself about what it is you’re doing. If you invite a chick to come over during a snowstorm, this isn’t going to be one of those show up at 4 am after the bars, out the door by 9 am ‘cause you both have to be at work in the morning type of hookups. No, she’s going to walk in the front door with the biggest overnight slut bag you’ve ever seen expecting to be snowed in for the foreseeable future. Logistically, that makes sense. I mean, running to and fro in amidst a blizzard is utterly ridiculous, but that’s assuming your chick is considering the logistics of the situation which would mean she’s thinking rationally and we all know chicks just aren’t capable of doing that. She’s looking at it as you chose to get snowed in WITH her, which means you really enjoy spending time with each other. If you’re looking to ratchet things up a notch, that’s great. Real smart play. But if you’re not really sure that’s the road you wanna travel down, all I’m saying is consider everything I just said and plan that shit out like Operation Overlord before you go firing out “WYD?” texts all willy nilly.