Not me, not my credit card.
Long story short I went out last night to celebrate being on the wrong side of 20. Went to Rhinegeist then Scene downtown and had a great time. Lotta people came out and I got to rub elbows with my good friends Carlos (Dunlap) and Rey (Maualuga). Scale of 1-10, I’d say last night was like an 8, 8.5 right up until this morning. I woke up with that feeling where I just knew I lost something. Drank way to much and acted too much like a damn fool for me to have not lost something. All morning I kept thinking about what it could be. Phone? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Check. I had everything I needed in my possession but I still couldn’t shake that feeling you got when you were still in school and you just knew you left something at home and your entire day was going to be ruined. Then I jumped in my car to go get gas and grab a burrito and it hit me. The credit card was MIA. No big deal. I know it’s still at the bar and I’m no stranger when it comes to leaving my card at the bar, but that got me to thinking: Why are their still establishments that keep your card behind the bar when you open a tab? I know the technology exists. I know this because just about every other bar I go to will just swipe my card and hand it right back. Honestly it’s almost an even 50/50 split. Half the bars I go to will give my card back, the other half hold onto that shit like an old Jewish man. Now I gotta hitch a ride downtown and grab my card at Scene and probably miss an entire half of either the AFC or NFC Championship Game so here’s what I propose:
Every time you turn on the TV all you see is coverage of the 2016 election. Trump straight up bullying Jeb Bush, Sarah Palin reminding the world she’s still around and she’s still batshit crazy, Marco Rubio and his high heels, Ted Cruz bashing NYC, Hillary and #Benghazi. It’s a God damn cluster fuck and I’m not sure who’s going to get my vote but I’m going to toss this out there anyway. Whoever makes it illegal for establishments with a liquor licence to keep your credit card behind the bar is going to get my vote. I don’t really care about anyone else. Bernie Sanders can take away all my money or Donald Trump can deport half the population of the country but if my credit card is nestled safe and sound in my wallet then I’ll consider that Presidential term a tremendous success ’cause right now I’m a hungover, carless, moneyless 26 year old trapped inside my apartment. Less than 24 hours in and being 26 blows. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t turn 26, kids. Peter Pan that shit and stay young forever.
PS- I know places keep cards behind the bar because if you force patrons to physically close out their tabs statistically your more likely to get a more lucrative tip as opposed to just walking out and tacking on the automatic gratuity, but I’m a selfish asshole and my time is more valuable than your tip. You don’t need to hold onto the key to my bank account and if you can’t afford a system that can swipe and hand my card right back to me then you don’t deserve to even be in business.