My New Office Bathroom Sucks and It’s Turned My Whole World Upside Down

Without getting too into the details of my current employment status, it should be noted that a couple weeks ago I decided to take a new job (the main reason there has been a shockingly large shortage of blogs lately, and for that I apologize). So far, things have been pretty good. Decent job, decent pay, I’m not stuck at a desk all day, everyone so far seems to like me, but there’s one alarming feature of my new role that has shaken me to my very core. Something I took for granted and that I really didn’t realize at my old location. The bathroom at my new job absolutely SUCKS. Looks like something you’d see in a Soviet era chemical weapons facility or in the bowels of an outdated sports arena. Quite the change from the very modern, often very peaceful commode at the old job. That got me thinking, what exactly makes a good office shitter situation? As I’d mentioned, it’s not something you really think about until you’re ponied up in a stall with graffiti all over the walls and some old man grunting viciously next to you. I’ve decided to list what all goes into a premium office bathroom situation, that way all of you good people can appreciate how well (or not well) you really have it in your day to day… Routines.

Stall Architecture:

Perhaps no element is more important to a good office bathroom than the layout of the stalls themselves. Much like a luxury automobile, modern amenities and spaciousness are everything. High efficiency toilets, stainless steel finishes, hooks on the stall doors, plenty of leg room, and if you’re real lucky, and if you’re lucky enough to work in a real nice office, a couple small TV’s or a nice soft rock soundtrack to drown out the noise of Jerry from HR grunting out last night’s Don Pablo’s special. The bigger and nicer the bathroom, the better. If I lean forward to look at my phone and the top of my head is damn near touching the stall door then we have a problem. I need a Cadillac, not a Dodge Neon.

Toilet Paper:

Not sure why this isn’t International law in accordance with the Geneva Convention yet, but any company that still supplies 1 ply tissue paper instead of a high quality, 2 ply, extra quilted roll is still living in the Middle Ages. 1 ply TP in today’s day and age is straight up barbarism. And don’t give me that spiel about saving money either. It’s well documented amongst members of society that a good toilet paper is one of those essential goods that you need to splurge on. Spare no cost or savings unless you want to be walking around all day with an asshole that feels like a burn victim’s.

Paper Towels, Not Hand Dryers:

PAPER TOWELS, PAPER TOWELS,  PAPER TOWELS,  PAPER TOWELS,  PAPER TOWELS. And one more time for good measure, paper towels. I don’t care if hand dryers are significantly cheaper. I don’t care if human beings are destroying the Earth. I don’t care Leonardo DiCaprio takes the stage at the Oscar’s and says we need to stop polluting the Earth, even though he pulls up on the scene in 200 foot mega yachts. If I want to single handedly contribute to the destruction of the rainforest, that’s my choice. Let me be the one to go to sleep with that on my conscious each night. Am I going to lose sleep? Probably not, but at least my hands will be all the way dry in doing so.


Peace and Quiet:

I’m not saying I need the Lou to be the Cone Of Silence from Get Smart (that’s an old, OLD school reference for all you OG’s out there) or anything, but unfortunately there are working stiffs out there who treat the office John like a Gad damn locker room. Taking phone calls, chatting up co-workers, talking shop, brushing teeth, that kind of stuff. I’ve never been one to shy away from a locker room environment, but there’s a time and a place for that and bellied up to urinal next to people that sneaky hate your guts isn’t that time or place. All I’m looking for is enough serenity to sit on the throne and scroll through Snapchat and Twitter until my legs start to go numb.

Good Janitorial Staff:
A good janitor or two isn’t part of the bathroom per se, but those guys are every bit as important to overall experience as the porcelain thrones themselves. If you work a reasonable job in a reasonable area in a civilized country, then I’m going to assume your work bathroom doesn’t resemble your favorite college bar with no stall doors and vomit everywhere, but a bad janitorial staff is like a bad offensive lineman or a bad referee. The only time you notice them is when they keep fucking up. Just make sure the John doesn’t look like the aforementioned college bar and we good.
Also I think it should be noted that at my last job the janitors decided to clean the joint at like 9:30 in the morning. Yea, can you believe that? Prime bathroom hours. That’s like McDonald’s closing their doors at noon or as inconvenient as the DMV closing at 5. I thought about calling them out but the kid who cleaned most of the time was just a few cards short of a full deck so I really couldn’t. One of the most awkward and head scratching ongoing interactions I’ve ever been a part of.