Is It OK To Eat Pizza With a Fork?

A story is a story, and while I don’t think John Kasich enjoying a slice in a New York City pizza parlor is much of a story at all, I’m in the minority because apparently most of America is ready to go to war over how Ohio’s Governer eats his ‘za.


Naturally, this raises the age old question: Is it OK to enjoy pizza with a fork? And the answer is… There is no clear cut answer. Everyone automatically assumes the issue is painted in black and white, but the truth of the matter is how you eat your pizza just sort of depends on the situation you’re in. For example, if you order Papa John’s and your first inclination is to grab some silverware, I think you’re an asshole because a.) You willingly ordered Papa John’s, and b.) Papa John’s is a budget pizza you’re supposed to eat with your hands. It’s designed to be consumed that way, in large quantities with the pizza box sitting on your chest lying on the couch. No need for a knife and fork. Now, if you’re at a little bit nicer place, say an authentic I-talian joint and you decide to order a pie, there’s no shame in going for the fork when they bring you your order. I was down at Betta’s in Norwood the other day and I decided to split a pie which I took no shame in enjoying with a knife and fork. Betta’s is an authentic sit down place and the pizza itself was very hot, very runny, and very difficult to eat with my fingers. Plus I was out with a lady friend and I didn’t want to eat like a savage in front of her. In a situation like that, not only am I OK with using a fork, I actually preferred it. So next time you see a man enjoying his slice with a knife and fork, stop and ask yourself, is this a situation in which it’s deemed acceptable to use untensils? Are we eating quality pizza? How big is the slice? Are we in a nice place? If the answer is yes, then quietly reserve judgment and go back to focusing on your meal. If the answer is no, then storm home and write an article on the Internet about how big of a loser guys like John Kasich and I are. Apparently that gets the people going these days.

Having said all that, I’m not ready to let Kasich off the hook. Apparently this is how it all went down:

“The public was shocked by the offensive behavior of a GOP presidential candidate this week.

But for once, it wasn’t the ever-controversial Donald Trump making headlines. This time, Ohio’s own Gov. John Kasich gave us all something to think about when he publicly revealed he doesn’t know how to eat pizza.

During a campaign stop in Queens, New York Tuesday, Kasich blasphemed against cheesy goodness everywhere when he cut into a classic New York-style slice with a knife and fork.

On Good Morning America, Kasich later claimed the pizza was “scalding hot.” That story doesn’t hold up. A photographer from Getty Images caught Kasich, who must have realized his enormous faux pas (faux pizz-as?) after the first slice, picking up his next two almost like a real person. Almost.”

Stick to guns, John. You’re either using a fork and knife or you’re not. None of this half ass shit. You either eat the whole slice with your fingers or you eat the whole slice with a fork. Once you jump off the diving board there’s no going back. Can’t have a President who’s scared to make a decision as simple as what method he needs to use to enjoy his pizza pies.

Clean it up, Kasich. You’re letting down America’s youth.




About Q-Ball

Owner, operator AKA The Commish. Q-Ball is that asshole at the office who refuses to brew a fresh pot of coffee. Not because he doesn't want to, he's just too embarrassed to admit that he doesn't know how.
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